Through The Magnifying Glass

There are different kinds of friends. Friends with whom you have a blast. Friends you make on a journey. Friends from school you have grown up with, who have seen you grow and evolve as an individual. Friends you love to gossip with. Friends you turn to for advice. Friends who you can depend on always for help. And then, there are friends who save you from yourself, even when you don't realize it.


Life had very few surprises for me.  I knew I had a very cold, calculative personality, which had been built gradually with the  bricks of hurt and rejection that Life had thrown at me at various points of time. Encased deep within the thick layers of cynicism, was a passionate heart, that pushed me to act in a fashion, what would seem, out of character. But, in truth, though I may be deluged by emotions running amok inside me, there was a always a sane person standing outside me, watching, tut-tutting, asking me to pull myself together and snap up to order. Even when I appeared to follow my heart, it was from a conscious decision to do so, after I'd understood the risks, and decided that this was a gamble I would rather play and lose, than be safe and not play at all.

I looked at life and all the characters in sharp precision, in high definition, including all the flaws. Many flaws I understood, and accepted in those I loved dearly, but in others, I knew my criticizing eye hurt. Just as I was with others, I always saw myself clearly, with all my faults. But I constantly pushed myself hard to change, for I aspired to be perfect.

For a long time, I knew I was probably being oppressive to a person very close to my heart because I was looking at our relationship with the same magnifying glass. It had already been a mystery to me how he could love me despite my flaws. These flaws were something I had been acutely aware of,  had consciously tried but failed to change in myself, and finally, I came to the decision that I had to save him from me by putting some distance between us.

And then, the surprise came. He was devastated, and couldn't understand my decision. Quite unexpectedly, this was something that upset me profoundly too. My mind knew it was best, my heart refused to comply. I found it unacceptable, impossible to cope up with. I was an emotional wreck. I could understand neither his reaction nor mine.

This is where my Saviour stepped in. She loved me in spite of me. She showed me it was okay to be flawed. It was possible to be loved in spite of all the shortcomings a person could have. She told me there are people in this world who overlook faults in their loved ones, and continue to treasure them and hold them close to their hearts. I knew this when it applied to other people. I could overlook the flaws in someone I love, but couldn't fathom the possibility that the same applied to those who loved me. It was then that I realized I had yet to accept myself, forgive myself, love myself as I am, and believe in my heart that I could be truly loved, flaws included. That was the crux of my problem. And true to my character, as soon as I saw this problem, I wanted to change, to correct myself, to 'improve'.

Perhaps I ought to stop looking at myself critically, and see instead through the eyes of people who hold me dear. Perhaps I ought to stop trying to change, to 'improve'. Perhaps I ought to just be. I might be okay someday: there is hope still.

-Loud Speaker