Can't stop thinking

In the midst of a whirlwind day at work, I had a few moments to myself. I took a deep breath and thought, what a day!! I simply wanted to get away from my job. It would be wonderful if I could just have time for myself, to do what I love, to have fun, laze around...but doing what exactly?

The first thought that came to my mind is curling up with one of my well-thumbed novels in a cozy armchair with an endless supply of piping -hot tea. Mmmm... That IS an enticing idea..

Or perhaps watching some of my favorite movies, and relive those nostalgic moments of my life inextricably linked with each of them.

And then..? What?

Much to my consternation, I seemed to have run out of ideas.

What else did I like? How did I really fill my hours (minutes, more often) of leisure? How had I been spending my spare time these 30+ years of my life?

I thought and I thought..and I realised that I thought. Let me explain that a little more.

Every single spare moment I had was spent in thinking. About anything. And everything. The realisation crashed on me one day like a huge tidal wave. My husband was lounging on the sofa, his eyes open, just simply sitting there not doing anything. Our conversation went something like this -

'What are you doing?'

'Just sitting.'

'Are you tired?'

'Not really.'

'Are you bored?'

'No.'

'Is there a problem at your office?'

'No, just the usual stuff.'

'What are you thinking then?'

'Nothing.'

That got me really worried. I sat down beside him, and said, 'Tell me. What is bothering you? What are you thinking about?'

He just turned to me with a warm, beautiful smile that reassured me he was okay, and said, 'Nothing really. My mind is simply blank. I'm just feeling totally relaxed, and at peace here, at home.'

I just became speechless. I was gaping at him wondering if such a thing was humanly possible. But I could see it in his eyes. It was the truth. He looked content simply sitting there.

Whereas my mind was in a turmoil. Could someone not think for a while? I found that I was cramming every single free moment, and often during work too, with a gazillion thoughts - wayward, unrestrained thoughts that flitted from one topic to another without any pre-determined course.

They were pretty much conversations with myself, like the endless ones you have when you catch-up with a dear friend after a long while. Reliving memories, plans for the future, mindless gossip about anything under the sun, deep philosophical ideas that question the existence of God or the origins of the Universe or the ethics of being a non-vegetarian or the possibility of emotions in bacteria, analysing the economic impact of me buying something online...pretty much any nonsense.

Why did I think so much? Did I actually achieve anything at the end of it? Decision-making? Life-changing? So why did I think? Nope, couldn't think of a reason why. 

I think too much! It is a habit, an obsession. Call it anything, but I had to give my poor overworked mind a break. Just close my eyes, take a deep breath and not think about anything. Yeah, stop thinking. Stop thinking.

I need to stop thinking. And I am thinking about not thinking. And I haven't stopped thinking. And I don't think I can!

Loud Speaker